Why Do I Always Self-Sabotage? 7 Ways to See You're Doing It — and Why We Do It

You set the goal. You want the change. You know what’s good for you. And yet… you procrastinate. You ghost people who care. You binge when you promised balance. You start strong — then disappear on yourself.

It’s frustrating. It’s confusing. It feels personal.

But here’s the truth: self-sabotage is not stupidity or weakness. It’s usually unprocessed fear, old programming, or a misguided attempt to protect yourself.

The good news? Once you can see it, you can start to change it.

Here are 7 ways you might be self-sabotaging (without even realizing it) — and the deep psychological reasons behind them.

1. You Set Unrealistic Expectations — Then Quit When You Can’t Meet Them

You start with huge energy: “I’m going to fix everything. This time will be different. "Then the plan is so extreme — strict diets, overbooked schedules, zero rest — that the first slip feels like failure. So you give up entirely.

👉 Why you do it: Deep down, you fear gradual progress isn’t “enough” to earn love or worth — so you chase perfection. But when perfection isn’t sustainable, you collapse under the pressure.

🧠 Self-sabotage often disguises itself as overachieving.

2. You Push Away Good Things (Because They Feel Unfamiliar)

You meet someone who treats you well — and suddenly feel “bored” or emotionally itchy. You get a job opportunity and instantly panic. You back out of peace because chaos is what you’re used to.

👉 Why you do it: Your nervous system sees unfamiliar things (even good ones) as unsafe. If love, safety, or success weren’t consistent growing up, you may subconsciously reject them now.

🧠 We don’t repeat what’s good. We repeat what’s familiar.

3. You Wait to Feel “Ready” Before Taking Action

You keep saying: “When I’m more confident / motivated / healed / in shape…”But the truth is, waiting for the perfect moment is your comfort zone in disguise.

👉 Why you do it: Perfectionism masks fear of failure. If you never start, you never risk not being enough. But you also never grow.

🧠 Readiness isn’t a feeling. It’s a decision.

4. You Numb Out with Food, Screens, People, or Noise

You overeat, over scroll, overplan, overtalk. You never sit still long enough to feel what’s really going on inside.

👉 Why you do it: Self-sabotage often shows up as distraction. You might be avoiding uncomfortable emotions — grief, loneliness, unworthiness — so you reach for fast relief instead of real resolution.

🧠 Numbing keeps you safe from discomfort, but also stuck.

5. You Sabotage Relationships to Avoid Abandonment

You pick fights. You get cold. You cheat. You withdraw. All while telling yourself it’s their fault.

👉 Why you do it: You're afraid they’ll leave — so you leave first, emotionally or literally. It’s a defense mechanism. You’d rather be in control of the rejection than blindsided by it.

🧠 Sometimes we sabotage love because we don’t believe we deserve it.

6. You Downplay Your Own Wins or Talk Yourself Out of Opportunities

You finally succeed — then feel awkward, guilty, or undeserving. You think people are just being nice, or that you "got lucky."

👉 Why you do it: Imposter syndrome. Fear of being “found out.” A belief that you’re not good enough, even when you are.

🧠 If you’ve spent your life hustling for worth, success might feel emotionally unsafe.

7. You Keep Yourself “Busy” to Avoid Facing Yourself

You fill every hour. Work. Socializing. Noise. Plans. Chaos.

👉 Why you do it: Because silence is loud. Stillness means facing the real questions — and maybe realizing your identity is tied to being needed, productive, or perfect.

🧠 Self-sabotage isn’t always about destruction — sometimes it’s disguised as productivity.

🌱 So… How Do You Stop Self-Sabotaging?

You start by getting honest with yourself:

• Where am I afraid of success, not just failure?

• What feels unfamiliar about being healthy, loved, or thriving?

• What old beliefs am I still living by?

Then: Go slow. Be kind. Stay curious. Because self-sabotage isn’t about laziness. It’s a protective reflex built from old wounds.

And the moment you stop judging yourself for it — and start listening to it — you take back your power.

You don’t need to “fix” yourself. You need to understand yourself.

That version of you who keeps messing things up? They're just trying to feel safe. Seen. Loved. Help them find a better way.

You’re not broken. You’re rebuilding.

And you’re closer than you think.

Love Rubie xoxo