I Just Got Engaged, but My Best Friend is Grieving a Breakup: Am I Allowed to be Happy?

So, I recently got engaged. The joy of meeting the love of my life and the life we will build together is overwhelming. When you get that ring, you aren’t just thinking about a piece of jewelry; you’re thinking about the engagement, the house, and the marriage that all come with this news. Naturally, I couldn’t wait to tell my friends. But then, the hesitation set in.

Am I being selfish? Is it rude to be this happy when my friend just went through a brutal breakup? I’ve noticed that every time someone in our circle shares a relationship win, it triggers an emotional rollercoaster for her. When I finally told her about my engagement, her response was a clipped "amazing." A few days later, the other shoe dropped. I received a text saying, "Sorry, I’m just not that engaged in your engagement." It made me stop in my tracks. For years, I was the single one. I was the one wishing everyone else "congrats" on birthdays, anniversaries, and engagements. I did the work, I waited, and now that it’s finally my turn, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells.

This is something we don’t talk about enough in society: the guilt of succeeding while someone you love is hurting. But I’m here to tell you why you shouldn't feel bad, why you are allowed to bask in your joy, and how to navigate this if you're the friend on the other side of the heartache.

The Psychology of "Milestone Guilt"

"Milestone guilt" occurs when your personal success triggers a sense of shame because it highlights a lack in someone else’s life. This is often driven by Social Comparison Theory, a concept coined by psychologist Leon Festinger. Humans naturally evaluate their own lives by looking at those around them.

When you share news of an engagement, a friend who is grieving a breakup doesn't just see your happiness—they see a "upward social comparison" that reminds them of what they just lost. This creates Cognitive Dissonance: they love you and want to be happy for you, but their internal pain makes that happiness feel physically impossible to express.

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Is It Your Responsibility to Withhold the Truth?

Many women ask: Should she be able to regulate her emotions, or should I be the "bigger person" and avoid telling the truth?

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), emotional regulation is the ability to manage and respond to an emotional experience in a socially tolerable way. While it is your friend’s responsibility to manage her triggers, it is also a hallmark of high Emotional Intelligence (EQ) to deliver news with empathy.

However, "being mindful" is not the same as "withholding." If you start hiding your life milestones, you aren't protecting the friendship—you’re creating a wall of secrets that will eventually lead to resentment.

The 321 Framework: Protecting Your Peace and Your Friendship

In my previous writing, I introduced the 321 Framework as a tool for singlehood. Today, let’s adapt it for those of us navigating the "Engaged vs. Heartbroken" dynamic. This framework ensures you stay grounded in your joy while remaining a kind friend.

3 Things You Love About Your New Reality

Don’t let your friend’s reaction dim your internal glow. Identify three things about your engagement that represent your growth. Maybe it’s the security you feel, the home you’re planning, or the fact that you stayed true to your standards until you found the right one.

• The "Why": Reminding yourself of your journey prevents you from feeling like your success was "random luck" you need to apologize for.

2 Goals That Don't Involve Your Relationship

To maintain a balanced friendship, ensure you have two major life goals that have nothing to do with your fiancé or your wedding. Whether it’s a career milestone or a fitness goal, these provide "neutral ground" for conversation.

• The "Why": This prevents your entire identity from becoming "The Bride," which can be exhausting for a friend who is currently "The Divorcee" or "The Single One."

1 Connection to Nurture (The Friendship)

Choose one way to nurture your friend that is completely separate from your new life. Go to a movie, take a hike, or discuss a hobby you’ve shared for years.

• The "Why": It proves to her that while your status has changed, your loyalty to her has not.

Why You Are Allowed (And Required) to Feel Joy

We spend so much time worrying about being "rude" that we forget that joy is a limited resource we must claim. If you spent years being the supportive single friend, you have effectively "paid your dues" in the currency of empathy.

1. Your Joy is Not a Taunt An engagement is a milestone, not an attack. A study published in the Journal of Happiness Studies suggests that "capitalization"—the act of sharing positive news with others—actually increases the well-seeker’s personal well-being. By stifling your news, you are literally robbing yourself of the psychological benefits of your own success.

2. You Cannot "Fix" Her Grief by Being Less Happy Dimming your light doesn't make her room any brighter. Whether you tell her about the house now or six months from now, she still has to do the internal work of healing from her breakup.

3. Authenticity is the Only Path to Longevity If you have to hide your engagement to keep a friend, that friendship is built on a fragile foundation. According to Dr. Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Connection, true intimacy requires the ability to share both our "highest highs" and "lowest lows."

A Note to the Person in Heartache

If you are the person who sent that "I'm not that engaged" text, I want you to know: Your feelings are valid, but they are yours to carry.

It is okay to feel a sting when your friend gets the thing you just lost. It is okay to need space. However, your friends are going through a massive life transition, too. An engagement isn't just a party; it’s a shift in their security, their finances, and their future.

If you find yourself unable to celebrate, try the "Asynchronous Support" method:

• Send a heartfelt card or a text instead of a phone call.

• It allows you to express support without the pressure of "performing" happiness in real-time.

How to Handle "The Truth" Moving Forward

If you are the one with the news, here is how to navigate the "emotional rollercoaster" of your circle:

• Text Before You Talk: Give her the "privacy of the screen." Sending a text about your wedding dress or house closing allows her to cry or feel frustrated in private before she has to formulate a supportive response.

• Don't Over-Apologize: Saying "I'm so sorry to tell you this, but..." makes your joy sound like a tragedy. Be direct, be kind, but be proud.

• Check the "Hype-Squad" Pulse: Not every friend can be your "Wedding Hype-Woman." Lean on your family or other engaged friends for the heavy wedding talk, and keep your heartbroken friend for the "soul-talk."

Your Turn Has Arrived

In the grand scheme of your life, remember that being single was a season, and being engaged is a season. You navigated the first with grace, and you deserve to navigate the second with absolute, unadulterated joy.

Do not let societal pressure or "milestone guilt" convince you that your happiness is rude. You are not "the problem." Your friend’s inability to regulate her emotions is a reflection of her current pain, not your lack of character.

Be mindful, yes. Be kind, absolutely. But whatever you do, do not stop blooming just because someone else’s garden is in a winter season. You’ve waited a long time for this spring.

Love Cass xoxo