The Art To Making Friends As An Adult, According to a Neuroscientist

As children, making friends often came naturally—playgrounds, sleepovers, and extracurriculars gave us endless opportunities to connect. But adulthood changes everything. Full-time jobs, mortgages, health responsibilities, and fewer social outings make friendships harder to build and maintain. Even a glass or two of wine that once fueled nights out now feels more like a recovery plan than a bonding moment. So how do we approach friendship in adulthood with intention? Neuroscience offers some surprising answers.

1. Understand the Brain’s Social Wiring

Neuroscientists explain that our brains are wired for connection. The prefrontal cortex and reward system light up when we build trust and share experiences. This means making friends as an adult isn’t just about chance encounters—it’s about consistently engaging in environments that activate these social circuits.

2. Prioritize Quality Over Quantity

Research shows adults need fewer friends but deeper connections. Unlike in school, where popularity equaled belonging, adulthood requires trust, empathy, and shared values. Focus on two or three meaningful relationships instead of trying to replicate a college-style social circle.

3. Join Purpose-Driven Communities

Neuroscientist Dr. Matthew Lieberman notes that shared goals activate bonding hormones like oxytocin. Volunteering, professional groups, or fitness classes naturally align people with similar values, making it easier for friendships to form authentically.

4. Rewire Your Habits for Connection

Your brain thrives on routine. If you only work, commute, and rest, you leave little space for new relationships. Scheduling social time—even something as simple as a monthly dinner or a walking group—creates predictable opportunities for your brain to associate those interactions with safety and reward.

5. Embrace Vulnerability

Studies show oxytocin increases when we share personal stories or challenges, creating trust. Instead of keeping conversations surface-level, take small risks—share a fear, a personal goal, or even a funny failure. Vulnerability helps new connections deepen faster.

6. Don’t Rely on Alcohol to Socialize

Alcohol lowers inhibitions, but it doesn’t guarantee genuine connection. Neuroscience reveals that authentic bonding comes from eye contact, laughter, and shared effort—not another round of drinks. Try activities that foster interaction without alcohol, like cooking classes, hikes, or board game nights.

7. Nurture Consistency and Patience

Friendships in adulthood grow slowly. Neuroscientist Robin Dunbar suggests it takes roughly 50 hours of interaction for an acquaintance to become a friend and up to 200 for a close bond. Be patient and consistent—friendship is a marathon, not a sprint.

Making friends as an adult may feel daunting, but neuroscience reminds us that our brains are built for connection at every stage of life. By shifting from convenience to intention, choosing quality over quantity, and embracing vulnerability, we can still create meaningful bonds. Friendships won’t look like they did in college—but they can be richer, deeper, and far more rewarding.

Love Arlyn xoxo