How to Encourage Your Best Friend to Make Positive Changes (Without Losing Them in the Process)

There’s a particular kind of helplessness that comes from loving someone who is stuck.

Not dramatically stuck. Not rock-bottom stuck. But quietly, slowly, painfully stuck.

The kind where nothing is technically wrong — yet everything feels off.

You see it in the way they talk about their life. The same complaints on repeat. The same dreams parked for “someday.” The same self-sabotaging choices dressed up as comfort.

And the hardest part?

You don’t know where the line is between being a good friend… and becoming another voice telling them what they should do.

I’ve been on both sides of this. The friend who wanted to shake someone awake. And the friend who wasn’t ready to hear the truth yet.

What I’ve learned — often the hard way — is that encouraging change isn’t about pushing. It’s about proximity, timing, and emotional intelligence. And if you get it wrong, you don’t just risk the message being ignored — you risk the friendship itself.

This isn’t a motivational checklist. It’s an honest guide for women who care deeply, think deeply, and don’t want to bulldoze the people they love.

Why Watching a Friend Stay Stuck Hurts More Than We Admit

Psychologists call it empathetic distress — when someone else’s suffering becomes emotionally uncomfortable for us (Batson et al., Journal of Personality and Social Psychology).

In simple terms: Their stagnation starts to hurt you.

You feel frustrated because you can see their potential. You feel sad because you know they deserve more. You feel exhausted because you’ve had the same conversation a hundred times.

But here’s the uncomfortable truth most people don’t say out loud:

Sometimes our urge to “help” is as much about relieving our discomfort as it is about supporting them.

That doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you human.

The key is recognizing this before you open your mouth.

1. Understand Their Situation — Not the Version You’ve Made Up

It’s easy to assume we know why our friend is stuck.

“She’s lazy.” “He’s scared.” “They just don’t want it badly enough.”

But research consistently shows that external stressors — burnout, unresolved trauma, financial pressure, chronic stress — significantly reduce motivation and decision-making capacity (American Psychological Association, 2023).

In other words: What looks like avoidance is often survival.

Before you encourage change, ask yourself:

• What are they carrying that I don’t see?

• What emotional need does their current behaviour serve?

• What would they lose if they changed?

Because no one stays stuck for no reason.

2. Get Brutally Honest About Why You Want Them to Change

This part requires self-awareness most people skip.

Ask yourself — and answer honestly:

• Am I worried about them… or am I tired of hearing the same problems?

• Do I want them happier… or more aligned with who I think they should be?

• Does their stagnation trigger something unresolved in me?

According to relationship researcher Dr. Brené Brown, unsolicited advice often carries hidden judgment, even when wrapped in care (Atlas of the Heart).

If your encouragement comes from frustration, superiority, or comparison, they’ll feel it — even if your words are gentle.

And once someone feels judged, they stop listening.

3. Timing Isn’t Politeness — It’s Psychology

Neuroscience backs this up: When someone feels emotionally threatened, their brain shifts into defensive mode, reducing openness and increasing resistance (Harvard Medical School, stress response research).

Translation?

You can say the right thing at the wrong time — and it will still land badly.

Avoid:

• Moments when they’re venting and just want to be heard

• Group settings where they may feel exposed

• Times of acute stress or emotional exhaustion

Look for:

• Calm, neutral moments

• Shared activities (walks, drives, quiet dinners)

• Conversations that unfold naturally, not ambush-style

Encouragement should feel like an invitation — not an intervention.

4. Lead With Empathy, Not Solutions

One of the biggest mistakes I used to make was jumping straight to fixes.

But studies on emotional support show that perceived empathy predicts positive behavioural change more than advice itself (University of Michigan, interpersonal support research).

People don’t change because you gave them a good idea. They change because they felt seen.

Instead of: “You need to do something about this.”

Try: “I’ve noticed you don’t sound like yourself lately — and I miss your spark.”

Empathy lowers defenses. Advice raises them.

5. Share Your Perspective Without Making Them Wrong

There’s a fine line between honesty and judgment.

Cross it — and the conversation shuts down.

Instead of positioning yourself as someone who knows better, position yourself as someone who cares deeply.

“I could be wrong, but…”“This is just how it feels from the outside…” “I’m saying this because I love you, not because I think you’re failing.”

Research from the Gottman Institute shows that conversations framed with curiosity rather than criticism are far more likely to lead to behavioural change.

People don’t resist change. They resist feeling small.

6. Break the Myth That Change Has to Be Dramatic

We romanticise transformation.

New job. New body. New city. New life.

But behavioural psychology shows that small, consistent changes are exponentially more sustainable than big, emotional ones (BJ Fogg, Stanford Behaviour Lab).

Instead of asking: “Why don’t you leave?”

Ask: “What feels like the smallest thing you could do this month that would make life lighter?”

Momentum comes from success — not pressure.

7. Be Supportive Without Becoming Responsible

This is where many friendships quietly collapse.

You become:

• The accountability partner

• The motivator

• The emotional safety net

Until you’re carrying more of their life than your own.

Support does not mean sacrifice.

According to boundary research, relationships remain healthier when responsibility for change stays with the individual, not the supporter (Cloud & Townsend, Boundaries).

You can walk beside them. You cannot walk for them.

If you feel resentful, exhausted, or invested in their outcome more than they are — it’s time to step back.

8. Respect Their Pace — Even When It Breaks Your Heart

This is the part no one prepares you for.

Sometimes your friend hears you. Understands you. Agrees with you.

And still doesn’t change.

Not yet.

Change happens when readiness meets safety. And readiness can’t be forced.

Psychologist James Prochaska’s Stages of Change model reminds us that people move through phases — from awareness to preparation to action — often looping backwards before moving forward.

Your role isn’t to rush them. It’s to remain steady without enabling stagnation.

When Encouragement Turns Into Distance

Here’s the quiet truth I wish someone told me earlier:

Sometimes your growth will highlight someone else’s lack of movement.

And that can create tension.

You might outgrow the dynamic that once bonded you. You might stop being able to relate the same way. You might feel guilty for changing when they haven’t.

That doesn’t make you disloyal.

It makes you honest.

Friendships evolve — or they end — not because someone failed, but because alignment shifted.

What Real Support Actually Looks Like

Real support:

• Listens more than it speaks

• Offers truth without pressure

• Sets boundaries without punishment

• Accepts outcomes without resentment

It says: “I believe in you — whether you change now, later, or never.”

And paradoxically, that’s often when people finally do.

The Thing No One Wants to Admit

You cannot save your friends.

You can love them. Walk with them. Tell them the truth gently.

But their life is not your project.

And sometimes the most loving thing you can do is stop trying to manage the outcome — and trust that they’ll find their way when they’re ready.

Or that you’ll find peace even if they don’t.

Both are forms of growth.

Final Thoughts

Encouraging your best friend to make positive changes isn’t about fixing them.

It’s about creating a space where change feels safe — not demanded.

Where honesty exists without hierarchy. Where love doesn’t require control. Where support doesn’t erase self-respect.

If you can do that — regardless of what they choose — you’ve already shown up as a remarkable friend.

Love Arlyn xoxo