7 Ways to Learn to Stand Up for Yourself (According to a Wellness Coach)

For many women, standing up for yourself doesn’t feel empowering — it feels uncomfortable, guilt-inducing, and risky. You don’t want to seem difficult. You don’t want to hurt feelings. You don’t want to be seen as dramatic, aggressive, or ungrateful.

So instead, you stay quiet.

You let things slide. You explain other people’s behaviour away. You over-function at work, over-give in relationships, and over-extend yourself at home — until resentment quietly replaces peace.

As a wellness coach, I see this pattern constantly. And psychology agrees on one thing: the inability to stand up for yourself is rarely about confidence — it’s about conditioning, nervous system safety, and learned survival strategies.

Standing up for yourself is not about becoming louder or harsher. It’s about becoming clearer, calmer, and more grounded in your own worth.

Below are seven psychology-informed, wellness-based ways to learn how to stand up for yourself — without losing your values, relationships, or sense of self.

1. Understand That People-Pleasing Is a Nervous System Response

Many people think they struggle to stand up for themselves because they are “too nice.” In reality, psychology shows that people-pleasing is often a stress response, not a personality trait.

According to trauma-informed psychology, fawning — appeasing others to stay safe — is a common response to perceived conflict.

The Cleveland Clinic explains that people-pleasing is linked to anxiety, fear of rejection, and emotional burnout.

Credible source: https://health.clevelandclinic.org/people-pleasing

As a wellness coach, this is the first reframe I teach: you’re not weak — your nervous system learned that harmony equals safety. Once you stop shaming the behaviour, you can start changing it.

2. Learn the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Communication

Many women avoid standing up for themselves because they associate it with being rude or confrontational.

Psychology clearly distinguishes between:

• Passive communication (self-abandoning)

• Aggressive communication (other-abandoning)

• Assertive communication (self-respecting)

Assertiveness means expressing your needs clearly without attacking or apologising for them.

The American Psychological Association identifies assertive communication as a key skill for emotional wellbeing and healthy relationships.

Credible source: https://www.apa.org/topics/assertiveness

Standing up for yourself doesn’t require anger. It requires clarity.

3. Regulate Your Body Before You Use Your Voice

If your heart races, your throat tightens, or you freeze when conflict arises, your body is reacting before your mind can respond.

From a wellness perspective, self-advocacy starts in the body.

Simple practices such as:

• Slow, deep breathing

• Grounding through your feet

• Pausing before responding

Help bring your nervous system out of fight-or-flight and into regulation.

Research published in Frontiers in Psychology shows that nervous system regulation improves emotional control and communication under stress.

Credible source: https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology

When your body feels safe, your voice follows.

4. Start With Low-Risk Boundaries to Build Confidence

You don’t have to confront the hardest person in your life first.

As a wellness coach, I always recommend starting small:

• Sending food back when it’s wrong

• Saying “I can’t today” without over-explaining

• Expressing a preference instead of defaulting

These micro-boundaries teach your nervous system that assertion does not equal rejection.

According to Psychology Today, practicing small acts of self-advocacy builds long-term confidence and self-trust.

Credible source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/basics/assertiveness

Standing up for yourself is a skill — and skills are built through repetition.

5. Replace Guilt With Responsibility

One of the biggest barriers to self-advocacy is guilt.

Many women confuse guilt with kindness. But wellness psychology teaches that guilt does not mean you’re doing something wrong — it often means you’re doing something new.

Healthy responsibility means:

• You’re responsible for expressing your needs

• Others are responsible for managing their emotions

The British Psychological Society notes that boundary-setting is essential for mental wellbeing and does not cause harm — avoidance does.

Credible source: https://www.bps.org.uk/psychologist/boundaries

You can care deeply and still say no.

6. Stop Explaining Yourself to People Who Benefit From Your Silence

Over-explaining is a hidden form of self-abandonment.

When you justify, defend, or soften every boundary, you teach people that your needs require approval.

Psychologists highlight that excessive justification is often linked to low self-worth and fear of conflict.

According to Verywell Mind, learning to state needs without over-explaining is a core component of assertiveness training.

Credible source: https://www.verywellmind.com/assertive-communication-2795898

A complete sentence can be:

You don’t owe a dissertation for your limits.

7. Redefine What “Being a Good Person” Means

Many women believe that being kind means being self-sacrificing.

Wellness coaching reframes this: a good person is someone who is honest, regulated, and respectful — including toward themselves.

Chronic self-silencing leads to resentment, burnout, and emotional distance. Research in Journal of Counseling Psychology links lack of self-advocacy to increased depression and anxiety.

Credible source: https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/cou

Standing up for yourself doesn’t make you difficult. It makes you authentic.

Self-Advocacy Is a Wellness Practice

Standing up for yourself is not a personality overhaul.

It’s a practice.

A nervous-system practice. A self-respect practice. A mental health practice.

You don’t need to become someone else to advocate for yourself.

You just need to stop abandoning yourself to keep others comfortable.

Love Arlyn xoxo