When a Friend Makes Light of Trauma—6 Steps to Speak Up Without Conflict

In life, most of us will go through traumatic experiences, and as humans, we all deal with them differently. Some people process things openly, while others keep their pain private. But just because someone doesn’t talk about their trauma doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

That’s why it can be so difficult when a friend, partner, or even a family member casually jokes about or dismisses something deeply painful—without realizing that you (or someone close to you) have experienced it firsthand. It can leave you feeling uncomfortable, hurt, or even angry.

At the same time, it’s okay not to bring it up. We all process things differently—some people prefer to forget and not relive painful experiences. But even if you choose to stay silent, it can still sting when something so personal is made into a joke. I get that we don’t want to live in a bubble-wrapped world, but why can’t we live in a respectful one?

If you do want to address it, here are six ways to handle it with honesty and care.

1. Take a Moment to Process Your Feelings

Before reacting in the moment, take a breath and check in with yourself. Ask yourself:

• Am I feeling hurt, angry, or just uncomfortable?

• Was this an offhand comment, or is this something they joke about often?

• Do I feel safe and ready to bring this up right now?

  
  

Sometimes, when something strikes a nerve, we need a second to process our emotions before deciding how to respond.

2. Choose the Right Time and Setting

Bringing this up in the middle of a group conversation might put your friend on the defensive. Instead, find a quiet, private moment where you can talk one-on-one. You don’t have to make it a big conversation—just a space where they’re more likely to listen.

3. Use “I” Statements to Avoid Blame

Instead of accusing them, try framing it from your perspective. Saying something like:

• “Hey, I know you didn’t mean anything by it, but that joke really hit me in a way I don’t think you realized.”

• “That topic is actually really personal for me, and I just wanted to let you know it’s something I struggle with.”

• “I’m sure you weren’t trying to be hurtful, but I’ve experienced something similar, and it’s tough for me to hear jokes about it.”

  
  

This helps open up a conversation rather than making them feel attacked.

4. Gauge Their Response—And Set Boundaries if Needed

A good friend will listen, apologize, and be more mindful in the future. But not everyone reacts the way we hope. Some might get defensive, dismiss your feelings, or say, “I was just joking, don’t be so sensitive.”

If that happens, stand your ground:

• “I get that it wasn’t meant to be serious, but it really affects me.”

• “I’m just asking for some sensitivity around this—it’s important to me.”

  
  

If they refuse to acknowledge your feelings, it might be worth reconsidering how much emotional energy you invest in them.

5. Remember That Not Everyone Understands Trauma the Same Way

Some people joke about difficult topics because they’ve been through them. Others make light of things they don’t fully understand. If your friend genuinely didn’t realize the weight of what they were saying, this could be an opportunity for them to grow.

You don’t have to share your own experience if you’re not comfortable, but you can say:

• “I know this might not seem like a big deal, but a lot of people have gone through it, and it’s not always something they talk about.”

• “I just want to bring it up so you’re aware—it could really hurt someone who’s been through it.”

  
  

A thoughtful person will take that into account.

6. Protect Your Peace If They Don’t Respect Your Feelings

At the end of the day, you can’t control how someone reacts—you can only control how you handle it. If they keep making the same jokes, dismiss your feelings, or make you feel like the problem, it’s okay to create distance.

• If it’s a close friend, you might need a deeper conversation about respect.

• If it’s an acquaintance, you can choose to disengage or avoid certain topics.

• If it’s a pattern in multiple relationships, remind yourself that you deserve to be surrounded by people who respect you.

  
  

Final Thoughts

Bringing up something so personal is never easy, but you deserve to feel safe and respected in your relationships. If someone in your life is making light of a traumatic experience—without realizing it affects you—speaking up can help set boundaries and create more awareness.

And if they don’t take you seriously? That says more about them than it does about you. Surround yourself with people who listen, respect, and care—because those are the relationships that truly matter.